Hope Speaks

a song only Love & I know

                     well off I go, this is definitely a new thing for me, but here goes.

                           at 3 in the morning a song or poem? just burst out of me

                   i have never, and again i say never, have written the song or poem thing

   i was inspired by the idea, that God is Love, He's really, really love, that's what the bible says. 

               i mean Love is a tangible,  being, personal, intimate... almost a person...LOVE

     the second inspiration was that in a song.. the melody is first and most important

                        and the harmony is an add-on, to blend and enhance, make richer                                

it was then that the picture got more clear, which is pretty hard since i am not my sharpest at 3 am...

                                    if God (or Love) is the melody then i am the harmony

             maybe should then stop trying to always be in control....... singing the melody

                             and start singing a little  harmony.... letting Love lead!

                   a song only Love & I know       by  hope ort

Love and I walk hand in hand

    sometimes Love follows

       sometimes Love leads

          sometimes Love is soft and easy

              sometimes Love fills me full and overwhelms me

                  but in all of those Love is always encouraging me forward...

        if i stumble or fall

Love reaches to take my other hand

            Love helps me up

                     Love wipes away all the dirt or debris that i picked up

                            then  Love gently reaches up to touch my face and says

                                         "your OK, I've got you....

                                     Love and i walk hand in hand,

                                         til Love walks me home      

if the horse is dead........ dismount....!

 

 

has your life ever felt like this picture?

 mine has.. big time

    your all dressed up,   

you know who you are,    

and you know where you  

  are going,       then....   

 

                           

*BAM*  your horse dies....!  

             oh crap #@$%^&*...     now what do you do.                                     

 there I am... sitting on that dead horse, in shock and disbelief, this is my life: all my plans, all my dreams, all my goals and most of the purposes God "HAD" for my life. up in smoke...

i need to re-emphasize the word "HAD"here. because all those dreams were good once. they were annointed, Spirit lead, exactly were i was suppose to be, doing exactly what i was suppose to do.  but now they were like a noose around my neck, sucking the very breathe of life from me.

 

on this day, jan 6th of 2010, i said out loud to my friend, "I HATE MY LIFE"... and i meant it to my very core! I know it is harsh and it is sad. scary to say, scary to feel. but sometimes feelings are not pretty, and all dressed up for church, sometimes they are tattered and torn, a little raw, this was one of those days.

i think many of us are there, in small ways & large, but to overcome these feeliongs, we have to let down the walls and be honest enough to say out loud.... i'm not ok, my horse is dead...!

there are lots of good reasons for that statement: health issues up the wazoo.... changes in EVERY circumstance around me... but the main reason

i think i hated my life, was because i wasn't letting go of the life that God was done with, and embracing the new things He wanted to do with me.

God said many times, "behold i do a new thing."     but i didn't want to do a new thing... i want the old thing ,  or i thought  so anyway.  

no preaching yet, back to the story: i did set there for a while, on the dead horse, feeling sorry for myself, confused, lost, and mad, to name a few. you know the drill.... pity party without the chips and dip, well maybe the dip... i was there.

then the brilliant idea came: i can grab the reins...and keep the horse with me, it didn't matter that the horse was dead, and weighed.... .ALOT!  

so i started to drag the horse around, holding on tightly to all that the horse represented. i knew it was very heavy, it took every bit of energy i had. the more i drug around the horse the more tired i got, everyday, more exausted, but still i hung on. hoping that tomorrow things would change, the horse would arise from the ashes, i would get my life back. yes

a miraculous intervention.      haven't we all wanted that at some point...? 

well i was gonna hang on for dear life, having super human faith, believing God to do what i was asking for, pleading for, fix everything, like it was before, like I wanted it.,

but that was not to be....God had a different plan for me and getting me there was-not gonna be on that horse.....!

{just so you know, through God's grace and mercy, He has helped me to dismount, and the funeral for the horse was Saturday at 11:00,}

               so now, off i go, destination... ? 

PS.   pray for me get a new horse, i like white with brown spots, if i get a choice.

sorry to end abruply, but it's a long story, so i decided to do it in parts...for the rest   of the story, stay tuned, same bat time, same bat channel. (i'm showing my age now. LOL)  

answers to further questions, what was the horse? why did he die? why didn't i get     off? why does God change things on us? as a christion can we hate our life? what        next?  coming shortly  

hope my search for truth draws you closer to yours.  and the one truth is Jesus,

He said "I am the Way, and the Truth, and the Life"       love , mary

the dance of grief

     i have made a new discovery! "THE DANCE OF GRIEF" is an intricate dance, with all the sway and flow of a good waltz. without all the warm fuzzes... every minute, no matter what your are doing, you are always in dance hold, even though you might not think you are. without warning, you are swept off your feet, engaged again into the rhythms and swirling inside of you. almost as a slave, lost in the deep emotions, fears, and pain, you move your feet, following the steps you have grown accustom to doing. wishing above hope, there was someway to bypass this whole experience, but alas it is not to be.
    because you have loved deeply, you are now, hand in hand with your new dance partner: GRIEF. it, grief, knows many dances. each of them taking you on different rides for different purposes.
    one dance can be a slow waltz, with an terribly uncomfortable hold. grief comes to you takes your hand, wrapping its arm around you, pulling you close, then slowly moves you abound the floor. spinning sometimes, ups and downs carry you, spiraling into the darkness that the dance wants to carry you to. so many emotions..     the love. the twirling in love is good, healing, sad for the loss of it..hard... but good.
    the intense sadness, feels like your trying to waltz in knee deep mud. as the days progress the steps can get a little bit liter, but THEN when you least expect it, with only a moments notice, you are, swept on to the floor. with tears in your eyes, and your heart out on your sleeve. around you go again.
    memories also drag  you out for another spin. some are good and some are bad, (some are REALLY bad, i can't come against those fast enough). the good memories are a sweet dance. there are still tears, but they mixed with love and joy. thoughts of much happier days.
    one evening when i was home alone, i heard the song, "Agnus dei" it was a song that boo boo had danced to at bethal. her and i had worship together to that song at home, so i knew the steps. as i listened i heard her quietly say, "mom dance with me," so i did. all around the living room we went. i could feel her dancing with me. again there were tears and pain when it was done. but how sweet it was to remember the dance.
    there is one more dance i do. it's called the "pasa doble".  it is a fiery dance. full of passion, anger, almost warlike. it is the dance of coming to grips with something you so badly don't want in your life. the lack of control comes to the surface and you dance around your issues. some valid, some ridicules, but they are how you feel none the less.   WHY?  HELP?  FEAR?   PAIN?   then there is more stomping. beating your fist against the air, even throwing yourself to the ground, in surrender or frustration. there is great passion in this dance, but it can take you to places far from where you want to be. far from peace and far from God. this is not a dance you want to do very often. sometime you just have to say "no" to the request for this dance.
     I used to love to dance.... now i'm to tired! that is when i realized i have been dancing for 6 months. day in and day out. always being called out on to the floor. grief calling my name. it is exhausting! i hope to be able to dance again. for fun, for worship, for joy, just because God created it in me, to feel His pleasure.
    the enemy of our soul would like to destroy us with grief. "but i do not grieve as someone without hope.." someday i will let go of griefs hand, i will turn, and walk out of its ballroom.  My Jesus will be standing outside the door, offering me His hand, leading me to an easier place, to a "dance of Restoration and Hope. giving me a chance to feel less pain, less sadness, less of "all" that grief has to offer. i will again feel His strength filling all my being. the freedom of a heart that is not broken, not weighted down any longer by the "dance of grief."
                                                            
  




   i will be able to enjoy the    
          rhythms
   of grace for a new day....
  
                 

on the laundry room table

 i hope this will be a thought provoking post.  maybe moving you to some life changing actions....
all i have to share with you today is what God is taking me (us) through, and this has been a tough couple of weeks.
                                                                       


  
    on august 21, we celebrated boo boo's birthday
    without her, she would have been 28 years old.



                        this was from last years birthday,
 

                 
                                   
                      harder still two days earlier
we moved maggie's stuff out of jonny's house to ours. i can't tell you how painful that was. jon, his mom margie, and I, packed up and put into boxes all the things she loved. a life lived to the full, put into a few boxes and laundry baskets. YUCK!   then Gene came over and packed her stuff in his truck. he said "I moved her stuff into jonny's house when they got married, i should be the one to carry it all back out."
 sobering....  not fun...   sad.... and thought provoking.

anyway, after some time sorting and touching everything, ( with lots of tears and memories) most of my daughters life is piled up on two tables in my laundry room. i loved my daughter with every inch of my being, but her stuff is still in piles in my laundry room. what else can you do?      it's just stuff.....
that has been the sobering point for me. our stuff has very little value when we are not with it.
i am honoring her stuff to the extent that it should be. (we are not taking any of it to goodwill) Instead i am taking the time to dispersing it to those that i think would love it or appreciate it.

but the truth of the matter is that she isn't here, and these piles are just what is left....




we brought nothing into this world and we can take nothing out.
 




now for the lesson that comes out of all this,  
                              how much life energy do we spend on our stuff?
                                                    how important is that stuff at the end of our days?
                                                                     what laundry room is your stuff gonna get piled in?
don't take it that i think we shouldn't have stuff. quite the contrary. I think God wants to lavish us with stuff. but they are tools, toys that cover us, warms us, care for us, get us from here to there.
when i think of the important things  maggie left behind, they were love, sunshine. encouragement, laughter. giving, kindness, etc.   it's all stuff i can't put on the laundry room table.

and every one that ever got some of that stuff from her, cherish even the thought of it.

here's the lesson i want to take from just one more time around the dance floor of grief.

 i want to have stuff for my use, but i want my life energy to be about all the things i can do for others.    like sharing... giving... loving.. caring...encouraging,...being a blessing.... free with my time and my words and my money.......  

God has a place to pile that good stuff, and it's not on some laundry room table. God blesses that stuff, calling it "storing up your treasure in heaven...."
                                       
                                        that's what i want, How about you?

a shelter from the storm...

why am i here?  We are always looking for that shelter from the storm for ourselves, but what if we are here to be the shelter for  someone else.

maybe the bible can shed some light on this subject. today i saw a
verse in Isaiah in a whole new light.

                                     

                         Isaiah 32:2
and each man shall be like a

hiding place from the wind,

and shelter from the storm. 

like streams of water in a dry place,

like the shade of a great rock in a weary place

 

 

we want to make following Jesus to hard.   lots of rules,   even more trying, trying trying.  when it is clear in this verse that we just need to be a safe place for those that God bring to us.  safety from the storms of this life. and boy are there some big and little storms in this life....    

 

lets look a little closer to the verse for some practical help on how to be this shelter.   have you ever been out in a strong wind. it beats the crap out of you. your ears can begin to hurt. your skin gets burned or chapped. you can be cold even if it is not cold outside, but if it is cold, the wind chill can take you out. How can we help with that?

it is simple really. block the wind. listen to what is coming against them and block the wind. encouragement maybe, love, hugs, understanding. take them in out from the wind. protection them, meet their basic needs. help them.

who are we suppose to be a hiding place for? and giving water to? and being  shade and stable like a rock for? seems a bit overwhelming, but when God says we are this, then i know He will equip us at the time when we need it. 

i'm not sure i have ever thought of myself as a hiding place, but it makes sense today as this verse rolled around in my head. i can protect someones integrity, i can wrap my arms around them shielding them from hurts and lies, calm their fears, this can crush the fiery darts of the enemy. spiritually or physically.

 the water for the thirst is easy. Jesus said He is the living water. i just need to stay close enough to Him everyday, so when it is needed, the living water from Him will just pour out of me. preparedness is just intimacy with Jesus, day in and day out.

Rachel asked the Lord often in her journals to "help her love the next person He put in front of her." i think it is that simple. love God, love your self,  love others. in doing so you will be so full of love that you become the shelter from the storm, water for the parched, and a safe and shady place to land.

i think that is why i am here

part 2: the dance of grief

              the dance continues...
i took this picture just a week after maggie's celebration,

when i saw the fence, I knew that It looked like how i felt.

BROKEN  ....    TORN APART   ....   RAW  ...

HANGING BY A  THREAD   ....     DANGLING

BURIED ....   HEAVY   ....

there was so much emotion in this picture for me, stark, harsh, weighed down, hopeless, ripped to shreds, just to name a few of the almost endless, swirling emotions trying to drowned me.

              

                    

                          i title this picture
a jagged edge
                           i was that jagged edge...

that was what was left of me.  who was gonna put that back together?
                    was i ever gonna be put back together?

after going to therapy , (yes i go to therapy)  i think i dance to the losses of more than just maggie. like that fence in the picture, there are more places than one that are broken. that being said, now i have to spend some time looking into other areas of brokenness and loss.  grief is not just about death (though it is a big one) grief is about LOSS... in all its forms.           but what are my losses, or maybe yours.?

to answer that question we are back in the dance, maybe a hip hop. loud street music playing in the background. you pull up your sleeves, and your one pant leg and off you go. feeling a bit disjointed, you throw yourself down into a frantic spin.

( i just realized you do this dance alone, its a personal search for truth and light)

i then go into a head stand, i think this might symbolize overthinking for me, i tend to do that sometimes. (OK most of the time) ( you are gonna know all my flaws by the time this is done) once you have thought about it enough and get some clarity, you stand and have some ease and flow of movement. then bam you are down on the ground again doing the worm or crawl. i think you learn stuff in those down and introspective times, but it sure is nice when you can stand up and just move to the steady rhythm of day to day life.

over these past few years, there has been a lot of loss in my life. almost a war zone. i say that not for pity, but because as much as i want help, and to be whole again, i want that for others as well, those who are going thru, or will in the future have losses of there own.

nothing is worse than being out on the dance floor and lose your footing, fall on your face, then you just lay there paralyzed, cause you don't know where to go, nobody teaches us an exit strategy,  or how to get up even. you feel that the spotlight is on you, and you can't crawl away to the darkness fast enough. 

well crawling to the darkness isn't the answer.    running to the light is...

no matter what your losses are: wounds, friendships, church, jobs (one you hate or wishing you had one to hate) money, kids, this one has so much potential for loss, in so many different areas, they leave you, they don't leave you, they don't live up to their potential, they run from God, they run from the WAY you raised them, they walk a destructive path, before your very eyes, all huge losses,,  your health. (this is a big one too), your home, security, your lover,(husband, wife,your best friend,) your parent, a dearly loved pet, even your stuff or the  place you live, moving, ect.  there are many more than i can even name. you know yours!

weather big and small. we feel the pain of the loss sometimes to the depths of our soul.

any one of those can just "JERK" the rug out from under your life. all of a sudden you look and feel like the fence in the picture. no one wants the.. jagged edge..to define their life.             so what do you do

the only answer i know is to run to Jesus, hard and fast, whenever you experience loss of any kind. the Bible says that Jesus came to "heal the brokenhearted".

i think that is what loss does to us, it breaks our heart. without getting to preachy, we have an enemy that would like to keep us broken, crippling us, telling our mind that our life will always look and feel like that fence. lost and overwhelmed. 

again the Bible has something different to say, 2 tim: God has not given us a spirit of fear, but instead He gives us power, and love, and a sound mind.  He loves me and you, intensely,  He has already given us power to overcome the darkness that wants to envelope us.  (HE IS THE LIGHT) we can't forget that simple truth, we need to run to Him fast when the darkness comes. what is the only thing to get rid of darkness .... LIGHT....

and a sound mind, from God Himself, a sound mind, clear thinking, a heavenly mind, wow... i hang on to that statement daily.      i will not lose my mind...neither will you...He has given us a sound mind..

those words help me sand off the edges of that fence, and tie up some of the torn apart areas.  it will never be back together the way it was before. but wrapped up in the arms of my loving Savior, Jesus will be with me as i take more steps into the future, overcoming the darkness with His light, laying aside all the burdens and brokenness to hope again.

i have a small vision that at the end of the tunnel the light that we see is Jesus Himself, beautiful.. peaceful, joyous. He is waiting, to embrace us, pick up and carry everything that hurts us,  breathe Him in, let His LOVE that is free for the taking, wash away all the fear, pain and loss... that's my hearts desire for me and you.

thanks for letting me share my personal journey with you, i hope it brings light into some dark place for you..

the dance of grief

     i have made a new discovery! "THE DANCE OF GRIEF" is an intricate dance, with all the sway and flow of a good waltz. without all the warm fuzzes... every minute, no matter what your are doing, you are always in dance hold, even though you might not think you are. without warning, you are swept off your feet, engaged again into the rhythms and swirling inside of you. almost as a slave, lost in the deep emotions, fears, and pain, you move your feet, following the steps you have grown accustom to doing. wishing above hope, there was someway to bypass this whole experience, but alas it is not to be.
    because you have loved deeply, you are now, hand in hand with your new dance partner: GRIEF. it, grief, knows many dances. each of them taking you on different rides for different purposes.
    one dance can be a slow waltz, with an terribly uncomfortable hold. grief comes to you takes your hand, wrapping its arm around you, pulling you close, then slowly moves you abound the floor. spinning sometimes, ups and downs carry you, spiraling into the darkness that the dance wants to carry you to. so many emotions..     the love. the twirling in love is good, healing, sad for the loss of it..hard... but good.
    the intense sadness, feels like your trying to waltz in knee deep mud. as the days progress the steps can get a little bit liter, but THEN when you least expect it, with only a moments notice, you are, swept on to the floor. with tears in your eyes, and your heart out on your sleeve. around you go again.
    memories also drag  you out for another spin. some are good and some are bad, (some are REALLY bad, i can't come against those fast enough). the good memories are a sweet dance. there are still tears, but they mixed with love and joy. thoughts of much happier days.
    one evening when i was home alone, i heard the song, "Agnus dei" it was a song that boo boo had danced to at bethal. her and i had worship together to that song at home, so i knew the steps. as i listened i heard her quietly say, "mom dance with me," so i did. all around the living room we went. i could feel her dancing with me. again there were tears and pain when it was done. but how sweet it was to remember the dance.
    there is one more dance i do. it's called the "pasa doble".  it is a fiery dance. full of passion, anger, almost warlike. it is the dance of coming to grips with something you so badly don't want in your life. the lack of control comes to the surface and you dance around your issues. some valid, some ridicules, but they are how you feel none the less.   WHY?  HELP?  FEAR?   PAIN?   then there is more stomping. beating your fist against the air, even throwing yourself to the ground, in surrender or frustration. there is great passion in this dance, but it can take you to places far from where you want to be. far from peace and far from God. this is not a dance you want to do very often. sometime you just have to say "no" to the request for this dance.
     I used to love to dance.... now i'm to tired! that is when i realized i have been dancing for 6 months. day in and day out. always being called out on to the floor. grief calling my name. it is exhausting! i hope to be able to dance again. for fun, for worship, for joy, just because God created it in me, to feel His pleasure.
    the enemy of our soul would like to destroy us with grief. "but i do not grieve as someone without hope.." someday i will let go of griefs hand, i will turn, and walk out of its ballroom.  My Jesus will be standing outside the door, offering me His hand, leading me to an easier place, to a "dance of Restoration and Hope. giving me a chance to feel less pain, less sadness, less of "all" that grief has to offer. i will again feel His strength filling all my being. the freedom of a heart that is not broken, not weighted down any longer by the "dance of grief."
                                                            
  




   i will be able to enjoy the    
          rhythms
   of grace for a new day....
  
                 

ripples

i heard a wonderful story about how

rachel's life is still having an impact for

the kingdom.

        this picture reminds me,

   though the drop that caused the

ripple can't be seen, the ripple still is

reaching out, touching other ripples,

just like rachels life.

though she is not seen here, she is

still reaching out to touch and

change lives, now, today...

 a few days ago i was going to hang around with a friend, (a day that was all about me you know.) when my friend asked if we could stop and visit a friend of hers, she said she had had a big disappointment the day before, and maybe we could cheer her up. that was not my plan, but what the heck.

as we arrived at her house, and i walked up to this woman , i recognized that i knew her somehow. after a few moments i realized her daughter was a good friend of rachels most of the way through school. she had been to our house many times. though i had not seen her in years, rachel had kept it touch with her. they had reconnected just days before rachel died.

once we knew the connection, the woman grabbed my hand, took me inside and said she had something she had to share with me. what she told me caused me to weep and rejoice. this is how the story unfolded.

when her daughter heard of rachels death she was devastated. she went directly to her mother  falling into her lap sobbing. ( what she said next so suprised me) she asked why God would take rachel, who was so good, and doing all this good stuff, when He should of taken her instead.  she said "she had done so many things wrong, (a list i wont elaborate on, but she knew her life wasn't a life lived to honor God) " WHY mom did he take her, not me? "her mom being very smart said,  "cause your not ready, she was!"

 5 months have passed since then , and the report she told me made my heart leap. since rachels passing, rachel friend has thought often of rachel, and how she lived her life for the glory of God. she is back going to church now, after not attending  since she was in early high school. she is getting married next month because she said she has become convicted that you shouldn't live with your boyfriend. she told her mom, "rachel wouldn't have done that so i'm not gonna anymore". there have been many steps that are pointing her forward, in a life lived to please God.

rachel didn't die to give her new life,  Jesus did.  but i know rachel would be so pleased that her friend has turned her life around, and that she played a part. rachels life ripples are still reaching out and touching other peoples ripples, who in turn reach out and touch others....ect.

                                                                   pretty cool

weather here or there, i pray that my life and yours will point strong to the One who makes our lives count. rachel's life counted in then , and now. 

i was so blessed by the testimony of a life changed, pray with me for rachels friend, who is making the first step toward her new life in Christ.      

P.S. i think God saves the coolest experiences for us when we are interruptable. what joy i would have missed if i had stuck to my plan for the day.

Day 1 of this new Adventure

My son Josh, his wife Jennifer, and girls Madison and Kennedy got me this blog site for mothers day. they are good to me!  what a great family the learning curve is tough, there is lots of stuff in my head, maybe i lose weight if i can get it all out?    doubt it.

I hope someone will have ears to hear my heart, as hope speaks... outloud